The bane of my existence: fast food
Let’s agree on one thing: as a basic rule, Americans love fast food. I know some of you out there, the light-weights, are saying to yourselves, “but, but, I only eat organically grown soybeans!” You aren’t American. Yes, you were born in America, but you are not American. You have somehow tricked yourself into thinking that meals almost exclusively constructed from fat and salt are not delicious, even if somewhat repellent.
That isn’t to say that us Real Americans aren’t deluded either, as many have convinced themselves that fast food is an acceptable lifestyle and not an occasional treat. Look, I agree: the Wendy’s Baconater is delicious. But for fuck’s sake, it’s 2 beef patties, cheese, and 6 god damned strips of bacon. I feel winded just looking at a picture of a Baconater, let alone eating one for lunch and chasing it with a Frosty Float. The cold hard truth is that fast food is unhealthy for you.
Shocking, I know!
Unless you have the metabolism of a hummingbird and are proportionally as active, you will never burn off the calories and fats consumed at one of these fast food dens of iniquity. This goes for just about any menu item too, from burgers to french fries to even the salads. So while, as an American, you should enjoy these delicious, black-tar-heroins of food, don’t for a second think you’re doing yourself a favor.
Want to see how your poison of choice stacks up? A Calorie Counter [via Consumerist] has the skinny on the things that make you fat. Among the big three (McDonalds, Burger King, and Wendy’s), Burger King appears to come off the worst across the board. However, few restaurants are truly “safe” as many french fry servings contain more sodium than your entire daily allotment (under a 2,000 calorie diet, of course). There are also some terrible revelations contained on the list, like Carl Jr’s Double Six Dollar Burger, which has 111 grams of fat, 1,520 calories, and 2,760 milligrams of sodium. Simply amazing.
“Oh, but I eat at Subway!” You’d think you’d know where I was going with this, Mr/s. Condescending-Prick, but amazingly you don’t: Subway isn’t much better than any other fast food place either. Most of Subway’s health claims are based upon sandwiches that are half the weight of their burger counterpart and factor in a rival’s value meal (including french fries and a diet cola) against their own value meal (with apple slices, which I’ve never even seen displayed on a non-kids menu, and a diet cola). Factor in that most of the “6 grams of fat” subs don’t include mayonnaise, cheese, or other condiments, and really, you’ve got a fairly unrealistic meal for the average consumer.
Still, there is possibly another set of people reading this, thinking, “oh, well, good thing I don’t eat at any of those places.” Well, Mr/s. Condescending-Prick, do you enjoy sub-par Italian knock-off cuisine, ala the Olive Garden? Well you’re in the same boat too. Go ahead, guess how many calories are in something as basic as spaghetti and meatballs. If you guessed anything less than 1,260 you are dead wrong; if you guessed higher, you’re playing it safe and will most likely live to be at least 60 years old. While few would think that fettuccine alfredo is a healthy meal, it being composed entirely of fat, liquid fat, and cheese and all, would you have known that Olive Garden’s rendition has 33 grams of saturated fat? You probably would not have.
Look, you can enjoy whatever you want, whenever you want. Just don’t lie to yourself and certainly don’t think better of yourself for any meal choice you make at a Fast Food restaurant, including the places that market themselves as non-fast food joints.
Now, if you will, please excuse me; I started eating a Baconater a week ago and I really should get around to finishing it.
- Rob O’Reilly
