For more information on Peter Popoff, check our first Miracle Ministry Recap here, or check out his Wikipedia page. For those unwilling to read anything more than what is in front of you: Peter Popoff is a fraud, a thief, a liar, and an all around terrible person. This is me being as even handed as possible.

“Get ready for God to touch you…” Oh dear Christ! “…with his miracle working power!” Oh. Somehow that still doesn’t sound much better.

Our episode today starts with Peter Popoff in his studio, preaching to his imaginary, television audience. His preaching is usually just large amounts of self aggrandizing, which is to be expected, because by the end of this episode he’ll be calling himself a Prophet. It is hard to brainwash people by being humble and reserved. Popoff makes his usual pitch for his miracle spring water and then sends it over to footage of his traveling ministry.

Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

And we waste no time! An incredible testimony from a former drug addict: “Once I contacted Peter Popoff and he told me to drink the miracle spring water, I started to do it, and all instructions I did. This is 3 years ago. Today I’m completely healed from drugs and alcohol and all things.”

Do I really have to point out the bullshit here? Do I? Spring water healed you from addiction to drugs, alcohol and all things? All things? Really? Look, I hate to be mean to people being taken advantage of, but this “former drug addict” is most likely a paid actor, so I don’t mind. If you’re going to be paid to help scam innocent people, at least work on your sentence construction. This isn’t some cut-rate dinner theatre, okay? Rehearse, damn it.

“I’m not cursed, I’m blessed!” screams Popoff, now up on stage in front of an auditorium’s worth of people. I’ll agree that there must be some kind of magic going on, as somehow, Popoff is still allowed to scam people out of their life savings. Popoff approaches an older woman grasping a cane, he asks “Can I just make the devil mad?” and proceeds to throw her walking stick up against the back wall of the auditorium. He says this woman is going to not only walk, but dance! She walks slowly out in front of the crowd and proceeds to jump up and down. Now, unless this elderly woman is into the club scene, I don’t think this counts as dancing.

“God has given her a divine chiropractic treatment!” says Popoff. Hey! You got your bullshit belief systems into my bullshit medicine! No! You got your bullshit medicine into my bullshit belief systems!

TWO GREAT TASTES THAT TASTE GREAT TOGETHER.

Lets start the running tally of people healed, again. You know, we really should have a name for this running scorecard, how about the “Healed! Praise God!” scorecard? Good, let’s check it:

Woman with chronic fatigue syndrome: He places his hands across her face and she falls backwards onto the ground. Um, does this count as being healed? Because I think she just exhibited one of the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome.

Popoff makes it a two-fer: heals another person with chronic fatigue syndrome through the television. Yep, another person who doesn’t even know he is healed and is impossible to verify if in fact is healed, is healed! Healed!

Back in the studio: Popoff says God is concerned with you. I think he wants to see you in his office. He shows a clip of a woman in Toronto, Canada whom he healed. It is almost a perfect remake of the healing that took place above. He throws the cane against the back wall and “makes the devil mad.”

Jesus, who knew the Devil was so easily jarred? Seriously, the Prince of Darkness and the Ruler of the Underworld gets pissed off when you throw a cane of an elderly woman against a wall? Does the Devil live next door or something? Does he call the cops when you play loud music, too?

We aren’t even at the halfway mark and Popoff already begins the money talk. His next story is of a man who received a “divine transfer” of 230,000.00 dollars. Yes, Popoff used the phrase “divine transfer.” Can I please see this motherfucker’s bank statement? How does that one show up in the account register? I know I’m probably taking this too literally, but c’mon. Nearly a quarter of a million dollars magically falls into your lap?

We cut to the video of the divine transfer man, in Atlanta, Georgia. Apparently, the 230,000.00 dollars was from a lawsuit settlement, which makes the entire concept of “divine transfer” even worse than before. I could deal with people claiming that money magically appeared in their bank account, but now we’re trying to follow a system where God manipulates the forces around you as to wrong you so terribly that, when you went to court, you were given nearly a quarter of a million dollars.

To be fair, that story is nearly identical to the story of Job in the Old Testament.

How did divine transfer man spend his money? He bought a car in cash and paid off a mortgage on his house. Good to know that God doesn’t want you to, you know, help the less fortunate.

Back in the studio, Popoff adds another person to our “Healed! Praise God!” scorecard.

A woman suffering a bitter divorce: “There are more on your side than on the side of the enemy,” says Popoff. Man, I know divorces can be messy, but are we really reducing this to ultimate Good versus ultimate Evil? He asks the woman to order his miracle spring water and follow the instructions exactly. Remember, those instructions include, but are not reveled in the telecast, sending a check for $28.30 to eventually receive your “free miracle spring water.” Because this one has yet to technically be healed, we’re going to have to count this as one of the rare: unhealed!

Back in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Popoff keeps knocking the healing out of the park:

Person who had knee surgery 5 year ago: Woman has been in pain ever since she had knee surgery; she also complains of a pain in her throat. Doctors, amazingly, can not explain it. I’m going to quote this next part verbatim, because it is just awesome:

Popoff: The Doctors don’t know, but how many of you know that Dr. Jesus knows exactly what’s wrong?

And Peter Popoff has just renamed our scorecard! Seriously? Dr. Jesus? That sounds like something I would say condescendingly! What medical school did he attend? Is he even a medical Doctor? Jesus seems like the kind of guy that would get his p.h.d. is philosophy, if you ask me.

Anyway, knee/throat pain woman is healed. She takes a customary victory lap, which would mean something if she weren’t shown standing for an extended period of time at the beginning of this episode.

Woman who is suffering from pain from an accident: Dr. Jesus is about to perform some more “divine chiropractic medicine.” Popoff speaks in tongues, which, using my carefully trained linguistically-tuned ear, sounds less like an actual language and more like complete and total gibberish, and the woman is healed. He throws the woman’s cane. The Devils must be so mad right now.

Testimony: Woman receives 2 divine transfers totaling over 35,000 dollars. Healed?

Woman was told she could potentially have breast cancer, she followed the miracle spring water instructions and is now told her cancer is gone and she no longer has diabetes and high blood pressure!

The testimonies are over for now, and so starts the infomerical aspect of the program, replete with that unnatural sounding voice over. This part is very much unchanged from last week, so I won’t rehash it.

We’re joined by Popoff back in the studio. He is pleading with the viewing audience to call his “prayer request hotline” and leave their most urgent prayer. Popoff explains that he cares and that he can move God. “I’m fiercely aggressive in these matters,” explains Popoff, which conjures up a delightful image of Popoff breaking God’s thumbs and shattering the windows of his house.

“Angels are literally going to bring money to you from unexpected sources!” Literally? Literally, Mr. Popoff? Winged creatures of God are going to literally bring me money? I swear, I’m not making any of this up. He just said that. I hate to be “that guy”, but let’s look at the dictionary:

lit·er·al·ly /ˈlɪtərəli/ [lit-er-uh-lee] –adverb
1. in the literal or strict sense: What does the word mean literally?
2. in a literal manner; word for word: to translate literally.
3. actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy: The city was literally destroyed.
4. in effect; in substance; very nearly; virtually.

Only the last one of those definitions could potentially work and only if you’re an asshole and try to argue a definition of “virtually” closer to the Matrix than “for the most part; almost wholly; just about.”

We’re back in Philadelphia, we check in on the “Dr. Jesus scorecard” once again:

Woman claims Popoff healed her mother of cancer. Her mother had cancer for 25 years. The cancer is in remission after following the instructions with the miracle spring water. Am I the only one amazed that this woman had cancer for 25 years? Where was God during any of that time? Yes, yes, you’re right. God will only heal you if you send a check for $28.30, pray on some plastic tablets, and drink some miracle spring water. God is all about the semantics, especially when you’re fighting cancer.

Woman’s son has HIV. Popoff healed her son of HIV. I’m sorry, I’m going to have to stop her for a moment.

What a cruel and evil sonofabitch Popoff is. To claim God will give you money is one thing, but to claim to have the ability to heal people with cancer or HIV is just disgusting and abominable. Taking the most realistic scenario from this, these claims are all probably fake. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that maybe, possibly, some poor individual dying from some terrible disease will feel they’ve exhausted all of their options and cut Popoff a check. I hope Popoff, that smug vindictive asshole, feels real good about himself as he drives his $100,000 Porsche paid for by the terminally sick and dying.

Fuck you, Peter Popoff. I hope you crash that car into the lake where you dredge that miracle spring water from. I also hope you don’t know how to swim. Anyway, back to the “Dr. Jesus scorecard.”

Man addicted to drugs for over 30 years: prayed with Popoff via the television and is now clean and sober 2 years. For a guy who has been using drugs for 3 decades, he is in impeccable shape. Have you ever seen those photos of the “faces of meth?” Some of those people had only been using for months and they’ve ended up like the fucking crypt keeper.

After a little prayer session, the episode is over. The same closing infomercial from last week’s episode plays. This is the only time during the episode where Popoff is referred to as a Prophet, still, a classic bait and switch cultist move.

And so ends another Popoff Recap. Total number healed: 11. That is 2.72 miraculous healings per minute! Could Jesus do that sheer volume? I think he could not.

- Rob O’Reilly

Posted on Thursday, November 8th, 2007 at 2:31 am in the category:Peter Popoff Recaps, Religion, TV. Comment RSS 2.0 feed. Comment it , or trackback this post.