Cannon Fodder: Top Five Most Awesome Explosions
Today we launch a magazine for the most under recognized subculture in America: the modern man. This is a group so untouched by advertising and the reach of popular culture that they scream out for recognition. Cannon Fodder is here to serve as their mouthpiece. We are their lighthouse on the edge of some dusty New England town, emitting non-sequential blasts of a foghorn that resonates deep within the heart of the war torn miser helming the controls of some decrepit cargo ship. His single non-patched eye focusing on the distance ahead, guided by our light, patiently cruising towards port. That hard, bearded bastard, so cold and so wanting from years of recycled pablum, will come ashore as if driftwood, searching just as much for information as he does for a place to dry out and die.
This man among men will settle down at a local tavern and order the strongest drink they offer. He will gulp it, swallow it as a whole. The barkeep will ask him what he needs. Our man will bark back, “I need to know who the hottest 21 women under 21 are.”
We are here for that man.
And lo, here is our first essay for the reclusive 15 to 35 year old: The top 5 most awesome explosions.
#5 – Gasoline Explosions
It can be easy to forget one of the most common, and easily producible, explosions in the world: explosion by gasoline. But honestly, there couldn’t be a better starting point for a definitive list of fusillades. Gasoline explosions are the everyman of the explosion world; the blue collar, honest, clean-living sudden discharge of energy. For that it deserves a place of honor… and a place on our list!
#4 – Hydrogen Explosions
In something of an upset, hydrogen beats out atomic for a spot on our list. Sure, atomic explosions are awesome for their own reasons: they’re the progenitor of nuclear warfare and the collateral damage alone is pretty damn awesome, but hydrogen just has many advantages. First, it is an exclusive club: only six countries have detonated hydrogen bombs, including the USSR! Second, with the advances being made in alternative fuel development, we could one day see hydrogen explosions as frequently as gasoline based ones! How awesome would that be? [Editor’s note: when such a day as hydrogen produced energy supplants traditional fossil fuels, the order of our list will be recalculated.]
#3 – Space Explosions
I know what you’re thinking, “’space explosions’ is such a vague category header.” You’re partly right, so let me clarify: any explosion that happens in outer space is inherently and intrinsically awesome. Whether we’re talking about some industrial accident that happens on a space shuttle, the gravitational collapse of a star into a Supernova, or the future of interplanetary warfare – space explosions are awesome. As if not already awesome enough, space explosions can last for millions of years, easily making it the greatest bang-for-your-buck on our list!
#2 – Atomic Nautical Explosions
Thought we weren’t going to put atomic explosions on the list, huh? Atomic explosions, while awesome, just aren’t awesome enough by themselves. That is where detonating them under the surface of the ocean comes in. Just like how ice cream is always – always – made better by the addition of hot fudge, the ocean makes a discharge of a uranium payload so much more satisfying and worthwhile. To complete this analogy: the nuts on an ice cream sundae are the islands left uninhabitable by the atomic explosion; sprinkles are the individual island populations wiped off the face of the earth.
#1 – Population Explosions
Whoa! You probably didn’t see this one coming. But population explosions mean only one thing: a whole lot of fucking has been going on! Awesome!
- Rob O’Reilly
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Serious Note: The original image used for this Cannon Fodder magazine cover, just like all content on this website, is licensed under the Creative Commons. The original picture was done by flickr user yuyiyuyi. All editorial content, including visual gags, is the responsibility of Rob O’Reilly.
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