Energy Drink Review: 5 Hour Energy
If you’ve watched any amount of television with a target demographic between the ages of 18 and 35, then you’ve most likely seen commercials for 5 Hour Energy. Presented more like an energy drink swift-boat campaign, the commercial lambastes other energy drinks for having too much sugar, caffeine, and ultimately cumulating in a “debilitating crash.” Just a note of caution: if you’re at the point where coming off a caffeine high prevents you from getting even the most basic of tasks done, you may just want to take a god-damned nap.
5 Hour Energy is nearly odorless, which proves the adage “silent but deadly” to a disgustingly perfect degree. Tasting like the Cocaine energy drink without the throat burning, which is to say absolutely disgusting, 5 Hour Energy claims it is lemon-lime flavored. Look, I know I haven’t eaten a lime recently, but I’m pretty confident in saying that my last bite on that fruit didn’t taste like vomit, okay 5 Hour Energy? You’re fooling no one.
What makes matters worse is that it is impossible to drink 5 Hour Energy like a normal human being. The creators have made the opening of the bottle so small, so unnaturally tiny, that if you try and place your lips around it like you would a can, it creates a vacuum that only trickles out small amounts of the disgusting snake oil. This means that the only way you can actually drink 5 Hour Energy is by holding the bottle away from your mouth and literally pouring it down your throat. Thankfully, there is such a small amount of liquid, you can finish the bottle in 1 or 2 gulps.
One of the interesting aspects behind 5 Hour Energy’s advertising is how they’ve turned the drink’s size into a positive. The packaging only holds 2 ounces of liquid and yet it costs more than even the most popular energy drinks. However, if their claims of sustained energy were true, nearly everything could be forgiven. Unfortunately, 5 Hour Energy offers no significant increase in “energy,” alertness, or whatever stupid claim the company will try and make next. Worse yet is that its “low in sugar” claim comes from the fact that they use the artificial sweetener sucralose. So, we have a drink that tastes disgusting, is sweetened with fake sugar, offers no significant boost in energy, and costs more than three times the price of my favorite energy drink.
What does this drink have going for it, you may ask? Well, it is, at very least, an amazing source of B vitamins. However, according to the bottle’s own warning labels, the amount of B vitamins obtained is less than a person undergoing B-Vitamin therapy. Which is just a missed opportunity, really. Look, not to nit-pick, but I’m pretty sure anything will give you less B vitamins than a B vitamin therapy regime.
5 Hour Energy is made by the company that makes those Chaser hangover remedies, Living Essentials. Up until a few months ago you’d find this out by looking at the label for the drink, but oddly all new packaging for the product omits any reference to its parent company. They’ve even gone so far as to remove the once-giant Chaser logo that adorned the otherwise identical design. The only reference you’ll find to company is on its website, which offers even more off-putting information. Apparently, all claims that 5 Hour Energy makes are based of its formula “as of October 2007.” While it isn’t uncommon for companies to change a drink’s formula, it is odd to see them advertise the change without disclosing the differences. While this itself isn’t anything necessarily nefarious, it is just another odd check mark against 5 Hour Energy.
The other odd check mark against the drink is that it is made by the same people that make a pill that claims to cure your hangover.
Overall Rating: Awful. These kind of products are exactly the reason why the Food and Drug Administration was created.
Further Reading:
Website: 5hourenergy.com; Chaser
- Rob O’Reilly
